operation stop the fatness

I lost the baby weight.  I lost a little bit extra after the baby weight, too.  But here I sit, still unhappy with my weight and the shape (or lack thereof) I'm in.  I was looking at mommy and me gymnastic classes for R and started to think that I'd be too embarrassed to get out there with him.  Afraid people would judge me and judge my body.  I practically slapped myself... I'll be darned if my child will suffer because I'm unhappy. So things have to change, thus the initiation of Operation Stop the Fatness.

What is Operation Stop the Fatness?  It is my mission to get over myself, my poor eating habits, and my laziness and to set a great example to my son of what life is supposed to look like.  I want him to grow up with a healthy relationship with food.  I want him to be active because it's natural, not because it's something we force on him.  It all starts with me.  The last two weeks I've had to ask myself, how did I get here?

I was active growing up, participating in almost every sport my school offered.  When I decided not to try out for cheerleading at the end of my sophomore year, I replaced practices and team activities with eating.  I know now this is where the problems started.  I would drive to town after work or on the way home from hanging out with friends, pick up fast food and eat it before getting home.  One morning before school my sis, a friend and I drove to three different fast food places to get an assortment of breakfast foods.  We were eating just for FUN.  By the fall of my senior year, I had gained 36 lbs since getting my drivers license.  I repeat: in two years, I gained 36 lbs.  Holy cow.

I decided to get my shizz together and started with Weight Watchers.  I loved counting points and how easy it was.  Without doing any "activity" other than being a typical 18 year old, I lost 24 lbs by the time Homecoming rolled around.  I won Homecoming queen wearing a dress I'd worn to prom my sophomore year.  I felt amaaahhhhzing.  I kept the weight off for two years until big life altering events happened and I found myself depressed and living alone for the first time.

With a friend from work I tried low carb/no carb/energy drinks and cigarettes only diets.  I'd still go home alone and order a pizza.  Or I'd do our no carb diet, but I'd eat all the Atkins candy bars between Target and home... and then say screw it and get ice cream.  By the time I was moving in with my now husband in 2006, I'd gained the weight back, plus a few.  Back on Weight Watchers I went.

I'd do great, cooking us both WW meals and getting girls at my new job to do it with me.  I lost 10 lbs, but then J got a job traveling.  I'd do fine while he was home but fall apart as soon as he left, eating my loneliness.  It was a weird time for me, as I'd lost what I thought was a good friend and didn't have contact with old friends.  I tried to go back on Weight Watchers and did a couple rounds of the South Beach diet.  By the summer of 2010, I'd gained 44 lbs since graduating from high school.  I did the HCG diet, lost 17 lbs and no surprise because that diet is whack, I gained it back quickly.  I got married at the highest weight I'd ever been in my life.  I couldn't even lose weight for my biggest day ever.

Getting married and trying (and failing) to lose weight is stressful.  So I ate.  And I cooked.  And I baked.  And I ate.  I know they say you gain weight as a newlywed, but we'd been living together for 5 years at that point.  What changed?  All I know is that when I got an unexpected big fat positive pregnancy test two months after getting married, I weighed the most I'd ever weighed.  I took my wedding day weight and added 10 lbs.  IN TWO MONTHS I gained 10 lbs.

I kept it pretty healthy during my pregnancy.  First trimester nausea led to weight loss.  Saddest part?  I was overweight enough that the weight loss, while a double digit number, wasn't concerning to my doc.  So. Depressing.  When I checked in for my induction, I made sure my husband looked away when they weighed me.  No way should that man have to see a weight on his wife that was so close to his own weight.  I mean, it's enough he was seeing me bigger, he didn't need to put a number on it.

Thanks to breastfeeding and being too dang tired to eat, I lost the baby weight within a few months.  When an extra 10 lbs came off, I was not complaining.  Then another 9 came off.  I text my mom that since having my kiddo, I'd lost 50 lbs.  I couldn't believe it.  I was at the lowest weight I'd been in YEARS.  I was wearing jeans I hadn't worn in awhile and feeling pretty confident.  Then R started easing up on his nursing.  The calorie burn slipped away and a few pounds came back.

I would consider myself decently active now.  My job is not like my old office jobs.  I work in my family's feed store, so it's normal to move/lift/load several 50 lb bags of feed every day.  I chase R constantly but I'm still eating enough crap that I'm just maintaining a weight that is just not okay.  What is my plan?

I've started back on Weight Watchers.  It's a diet plan that I know, which is what I need right now.  I have a good handle on what's ok to eat and what's not on WW.  I can count points without paying for a membership.  I am finding myself hungry a lot of the time (I've been doing it three weeks) which could be because I'm not allowing enough points for bumps in my activity or for R's increased nursing.  Maybe I'm just not eating enough of the right things.  I've looked at a couple other plans, but need to get a grip on what a normal calorie range is before I go into something more free range like Paleo.

I say Paleo because I've started Crossfit on my own (I guess Paleo and CF go hand in hand).  I know, I know.  I don't know if I can really call it Crossfit since I do it in my garage or living room, but I'm following their exercises, scaled to an at home and beginner level.  I've spent so long side-eyeing the CF movement, that it was time to try it.  Honestly, I hate on CF because I'm jealous of their amazing bodies and what they can do with those amazing bodies.  I did my first WOD (feel so stupid saying that) and it was the hardest 17 minutes of my life.  But then it was over.  I was totally spent and sore for days but it was only 17 minutes.  Not an hour on a treadmill plus bumbling through some light weights.  17 minutes.  Done.  I plan to work out in some capacity 5 days a week.  My cousin (who owns a CF gym) said 3-5 days would be great for now.  I'm going for 5 because I need to get in the habit of doing it and I'm afraid too many off days will make it harder to start again.

I have other things to work on.  I am an emotional eater.  Pick a feeling... any feeling!  I promise I've eaten through it.  When I was younger I didn't realize I was doing it, but as I've aged I recognize the feelings coming, the urge to eat it away and then I do it knowing it's wrong.  I've tried all kinds of diets, where I have lost weight and gained it back time and time again because the root of the problem is that I don't deal with my feelings appropriately.  I also need to deal with making poor food choices, eating too much sugar, and relying on caffeine for a pick-me-up.  Maybe one of these days I could get R to sleep through the night, or maybe just wake up less and I won't need caffeine *wink wink*.

My goal is to lose 44 lbs from where I started.  Wowza, right?  I'm already down 2 so I only have 42 to go.  I have a naturally muscular, bigger build though, so if I stick with CF and find the shape of my body change but I don't lose that 44 lbs, I will NOT be upset.  My goal is to change my eating habits and become an active member of society.  I'd like to wear my cousin's gym's shirt in public and have people believe that I actually do work out.  I want to wear a pair of spandex leggings in public and have no shame in my game.

I believe this time I am doing it differently.  I know I won't see immediate results.  I know it took a long time to put the weight on, it'll take a long time to take it off.  I know I'm so unhappy looking the way I do now.  I know R deserves better from me.  I'm praying for a little help from above this time and I think after sharing this online for the whole world to see, I kinda have to keep it up.

Wish me luck?  Or pray for me?  Either way, I'll take it.

He's Here: The Birth Story

Look!  Another birth story.  As if a billion bloggers haven't already written a post just like this, I just couldn't help myself.  What's a good blog without a birth story?  Right?  Right???  Clearly this post is old.  Like almost 16 months old.  I was going to share/not going to share/going to share/not going to share... but I guess now I'm sharing.  Lucky for you there won't be Parts 1 through 17.  Just one part.  No hours of labor.  Probably too many details about something that happens every day.  But whatevs.  READ IT.  Or don't.  But if you could leave comments about how my kid's birth was like soooper speshul snowflake material, I'd love you forever.


I never imagined I'd be posting a birth story on this blog.  Trust me when I say that.  I think back to when I started this blog and having a baby wasn't even on my radar.  Now that he's here?  Beware cliche statement ahead... I cannot imagine my life without him.  His delivery did not go the way I expected, yet went how I thought it would in the back of my mind.  Is that weird to say?  Anyway, I had a baby and here's the story.

The last time I posted I was 40 weeks and one day, and my doctor had scheduled an induction for November 16.  I wrote that I fully expected to be pregnant until the induction date and that ended up being the case.  I had a doctor's appointment the day before d-day and baby still hadn't descended and I still wasn't dilated more than a 1/2 cm.  I had experienced no contractions.  My awesome doc says to me as I'm leaving, "It's a date.  Hopefully we'll have a baby tomorrow but it might be Thursday."

Uh, no thanks.

I spent the rest of the 15th picking up a few odds and ends, crying for any reason at all, and packing my hospital bag.  We didn't go to bed until midnight and stayed up talking until 1:30.  J then fell asleep and I tossed and turned until my alarm went off at 5:15 am.  A phone call to the hospital at 6:30 confirmed that they weren't busy and we should still be there at 7:30.  In true Meghan fashion, we didn't arrive until 8 o'clock, but I can't be blamed.  Someone *cough husband cough* took the busiest route to the hospital in rush hour traffic. 

By 8:30 I was getting settled into the room I fully expected to see for the rest of the day.  At 9:08 I sent this text to my mom: "Hi. Doc broke my water, haven't started Pitocin yet.  He says Renner is as far up as he can be, which makes him think 'it's a pretty good sized baby. Not 10 or 11 lbs. but 9 is a possibility'. He said we r going to give this a 'college try' but a c section is def a possibility."  Since Renner had not descended, I was told to stay in bed because they were afraid of cord prolapse.  After this news I realized I had to pee and I started to worry how I was going to manage contractions stuck in bed.  During all this J started not feeling well and the nurse had to tell him to go get something to eat before he passed out.

Pitocin was started at 10 and was cranked up a couple times before I started to feel anything.  My contractions were five or so minutes apart when the nurse came in and had me roll over on my left side.  She started paying close attention to a monitor, so I did too.  I quickly learned we were watching my contractions and then learned we were watching my contractions as they related to Renner's heartbeat.  My friend Krystal had stopped by at this time while in the middle of her glucose test (she's due in February with her 2nd girl and I wrote this post on the nursery art for her first daughter) and then my doctor came in and he started to discuss with the nurse what was happening and then explained it to us.

As I was in the middle of a contraction (now every 4 minutes), Renner's heartbeat was dropping from the 140's down to the 120's and even into the 110's.  He would recover at the end of the contraction and would stay steady until the middle of the next contraction.  The doctor checked me and now almost two hours after my water was broken and one hour into Pitocin, I had only progressed to a maybe 1 cm and Renner had still not dropped.

Instead of waiting all day to see if I would progress and risk putting Renner in danger, my doc made the call to do a c-section.  He told the nurse and I that I had an excellent teaching case and that other doctors would have let me go all day vs. making a decision for a c-section so early.  He explained that at 41 weeks with no progress and already seeing this problem it likely wouldn't get better.  Oddly, my husband was totally relieved at this news.  He actually said the words, "I feel a lot better now."  My response, "You know this is major surgery?"  He felt better because now we had a plan and we weren't going to spend the day waiting.  As in, the doctor said we'd have a baby in 30 to 45 minutes.

My dad and cousin Callee stopped by just as we were getting the news on the c-section and I called my mom.  J's mom just happened to be in town (suuuurre... lol) so she arrived within a few minutes and my mom left their house.  I think I was in shock at this point.  I had read about c-sections and somehow had it in the back of my mind that this is how it would end up, but until it became reality, didn't believe it.  Nurses changed and luckily we were able to wait until my mom arrived.  I didn't get emotional about what was happening until I saw my mom and we were headed out the delivery room door.

J was told to stay behind until they were ready to deliver so it was just me in a big delivery room with lots of doctors and nurses.  The anesthesiologist did the spinal and after I laid down, he explained that he was going to use a series of pinches to test how much I could feel.  I could still feel everything.  He decided to give me another spinal and this time it took.  Later my nurse explained how lucky I was that he did the second spinal.  Normally they are in such a hurry to get things done that if the first spinal doesn't take, they knock you out totally.

When J was brought in, the anesthesiologist explained to him that he could sit or stand... but don't expect to do both because whatever he would see would mean he wouldn't be standing as much as he would be passed out on the floor.  At 12:01 pm, within 10 minutes of J getting there, I heard it... those first, amazing, ridiculously awesome cries from the other side of the curtain.  It's just like those Lifetime movies... you hear those cries for the first time and it's waterworks.  Soon, baby Renner was in my face, the most remarkable thing I'd ever seen. 

Renner was cleaned and weighed, 8 lbs 11 oz and 21 inches long.  When I got to recovery, the first thing I saw was my husband holding our baby... even typing that now makes me cry.  There's nothing more amazing than seeing two people you couldn't love more meeting each other.  Before our family got to the room, I was able to breastfeed Renner.  I was so set on tons of skin-to-skin contact after a vaginal birth and that was hard to give up with the c-section. 

Our family and friends were able to come in and meet Renner in the recovery room because we were the only people there.  I was afraid of how terrible I looked, so there aren't any great pics of Renner and me, but tons of pics of everyone else holding him.  I kick myself now for caring what I looked like since I don't have that first picture of us or our first family picture.  By 2:00, we were in our room on the maternity floor.  I just kept looking at the clock saying, "I never thought we'd be up here by 2 o'clock.  I thought I'd still be in labor."

Our hospital stay lasted Wednesday morning through Saturday night and we were so ready to come home.  We had the best care from the best nurses and doctors.  I'm so thankful that our situation worked out the way it did.  My doc is getting one heck of a thank you note for looking out for us the way he did.

Funny note.  After learning we were having a c-section, I said out loud, "Well, there goes my career at classy strip clubs.  I'll be stuck working the day shift at Teasers (the bottom of the barrel in local strip joints)."  Totally appropriate right?

we moved again!

It just never gets old, writing a post on this blog about my moving.  If you follow me on Instagram (meghana18), you saw the pic I posted two weeks ago of the new place.  I actually posted it while J was getting the confirmation on the phone.  We were due to move in this coming weekend, the first of March, but were able to move in last weekend so now we've moved.  Again!

I feel really silly living in this house so far.  It feels like I'm a guest in someone else's place, because really it is so beyond us.  This house is just a slight modification of what our "dream" house would be.  The dream was a basement house so we'd have two living spaces and a playroom for the kiddo.  This house is all on one level, but it still has the two living spaces and room for a playroom.  It's just three bedrooms, but twice the size of our old house.  We don't need more bedrooms anyway... we don't have enough stuff for the place as it is now!

It's a nice subdivision on the far outskirts of the town we were already living in, with our house having just shy of two acres that are partially wooded.  There are neighbors close, but not so close they can hear us yell at the tv.  Part of the yard is fenced for our dog and there's a fantastic patio area shaded by a HUGE tree that we cannot wait to see in the spring.  We also have access to the river that is less than 1/2 a mile away and we're still close to work and our families.  I mean... when is the other shoe going to drop?

I wish I had more pictures to share with you, but all I have is a hodgepodge of pics that show the old occupant's things and pics at weird angles with different lighting in each one.  We moved so quickly I didn't even have time to make one of my infamous lists of projects or ideas for each room... I know, I'm shocked too!  This weekend will be more unpacking, some list making and a lot of picture taking so I can share this new place we call home!

keepin' it real: valentine's decor

Time for another installment of keepin' it real.  Yesterday I shared how I decorated for Valentine's Day, which was hardly at all really.  I showed you my china cabinet and all the red and pink I could fit on the shelves.  What I didn't show you was what the cabinet and it's surroundings looked like before I threw everything in another room and distracted the kid and dog.  Today I show you what things really looked like.

It never fails when I try to photograph something, my good dog Daisy hops right in front like it's her big shot.  I can't keep the drawers in the cabinet because Renner liked to open... and slam... the drawers as hard as possible and I knew we were asking for serious injury trouble so I pulled them.  The rest, well, that's how it looks most of the time.  Just keepin' it real!

Happy Friday :)

happy vday: valentine decor and a new blog design

Happy Valentine's Day!  I hope someone does something nice for you today, or that you've decided just to do something for yourself.  I'm doing a little bit of both today, spreading the love and giving a little to myself.  Tonight, my family of three is going out for a laid back dinner and maybe a Redbox movie after.  R got a little goodie bag with bath toys, M&M's and a dinosaur sandwich cutter.  I ordered my husband a Hoodie Pillow, which he's been talking about since seeing it on Shark Tank.  They're back ordered due to high demand, but J was pretty excited when he pulled the picture I printed out of his card this morning.

Ridic, I know.  He will actually use this thing.  I'm not kidding.

As a gift to myself, I had this old blog redecorated.  I worked with Grey Loves Design on etsy and she was fab.  I had to email her with a cry for help and she solved all my problems.  If you visited in the last month, you may have seen a different blog name but 'the story so far' is back and (hopefully) better than ever.  I liked the name I temporarily changed to, but paying for two domains and dealing with all of that was just not worth it.  I think it will make a perfect name for my business (which is what, I still don't know) so I'm just going to keep it in my back pocket for now.

Today is also my amazing sister's birthday.  She has HATED sharing her bday with vday forever, so we try to gloss over the red hearts and whatnots in favor of all things birthday.  She just had a sweet baby boy a week and a half ago so I wished her lots of naps and a super happy baby.  Happy 26th, sister!  Bet you never thought you'd be celebrating it with a little guy of your own!

After the Christmas decorations came down and while recovering from the two parties I hosted during holiday season, I just didn't have it in me to go full out with my valentine decor.  I started to decorate my weird mantel (you can see most of it here), but I'm so over that thing.  Some might think that two mantels mean more decorations, but it just meant headaches for me.  Do I decorate the top or the bottom shelf?  Both?  Here's the answer: NEITHER.  Instead, I focused on my family/vintage china cabinet.  

Forgive the lighting.  The cabinet is in the worst spot to photograph with no natural light getting anywhere near it.  It doesn't help that I snapped this at 5:30 am with my phone and the living room, hallway, and guest bath lights on to try and brighten it.  Pic FAIL. 

When I decorate this cabinet, I just pull from my reserves which I conveniently store inside.  This time, I pulled all the red and pink I could find. I always have pictures of my little guy and a combination of DIYs, gifts and clearance finds.  The little R on the bottom shelf is the most recent purchase - clearance from Michaels.  It's actually a Christmas ornament!  Use whatcha got, girl.

(Holy hell cats these pictures are terrible.  Scout's honor they will not be this bad again!)  

Up top is more of the same.  My DIY chalkboard, an antique candy dish from my grandma and a DIY tip jar from our wedding make a great mix of old and new.  Decorating this cabinet is so much easier and more fun than my mantel!  No stress and really, I could leave this up past V-Day and no one would think twice.  If you follow me on Instagram, you'll know I can't leave this up because it needs to be packed away... for moving... again...

How did you decorate for the holiday for love?  Do you have big plans tonight?  What do you think of the new blog design?  If you follow me on Instagram, you could have helped pick the design...

I'm using the italics like subliminal advertising... You're following me on Instagram now, aren't you?