37 Weeks: The Final Countdown

Less than three weeks.  I keep trying to let that time frame sink in, trying to realize that in three weeks (or less) my life will change even more than it already has.  Three girls I know had their babies last week and I knew a few months ago that as soon as they had theirs, it was really getting close.  I went to the doctor this Wednesday and he told me that I was officially full term and if labor starts, they won't do anything to stop it.  I feel these Braxton-Hicks contractions and I wonder just how bad the real ones will hurt.  I wonder when my water will break, or when the first contraction will hit, or if I'll be induced.

I had two baby showers last week, one that my sister hosted and another that my mother-in-law hosted.  We went from having a few baby things, mostly clothes, to a ton of baby things and even more clothes.  J finished the dresser and armoire for the nursery last week and I've been on laundry duty for the last two weeks.  Seriously, we won't need clothes or blankets for his first year.  Speaking of blankets... I've always had a thing for blankets.  The patterns, textures, I love them all.  So just imagine with a giant stack of flannel receiving blankets and another stack of thermal and fluffy blankets, I'm just picturing snuggling my sweet little boy in a different blanket every hour.

I finally posted a prego pic of myself to Facebook and everyone was so nice to my fat pregnant a$$.  I totally swore I wasn't going to post any pic of myself prego on FB because there are other people who post the weekly photo, the ultrasound pic, the toilet pic of their mucous plug... okay maybe I haven't actually seen anyone do that last one, but you get the idea.  Over sharing, much?  The first pic I posted was blurry because J insists on zooming with the iPhone, which looks like crap, so I posted a mirror pic.  Yes... I posted a mirror pic.  I did all the things I hate on FB in one afternoon.

Seriously - Daisy got off the couch to pose for this pic.  Ridiculous.

33 weeks.  Feels like just yesterday... and it was a month ago.

This week I also celebrated my 27th birthday.  It's amazing to me how different it was already from years in the past.  I worked in the morning, we had to go to a funeral for J's uncle, we had a late lunch (Mexican) and went to Babies R Us where I gifted myself a diaper bag and a grooming kit for the baby.  My mom, dad and sis got me a Shark steam mop.  No drinks, no dinner out with friends... but it was a good day.  I was shocked that I actually forgot my birthday was coming several times... I guess my mind is (understandably) elsewhere.

I'm not even going to comment on weight gain any more because I just don't care. I'm close enough to having this baby that it doesn't matter to me. I know I'm in the same old rut with the food cravings: corn dogs, Dr Pepper, Mexican food, pizza.  I do want sweets, but I'd much rather have chips and salsa.  My blood pressure has been great, the boy's heart rate is so fun to hear still and the swelling in my ankles is.... gross.  I actually showed J one day and said, "Look at my ankles."  He responded (accurately) with, "What ankles?"

I've also gotten the PUPPPs rash in the last two weeks and it just keeps getting worse.  This rash develops only in pregnant women, mostly in the last few weeks of pregnancy.  70% of women that get it are having boys and it mostly effects first time pregnancies.  I know it's spreading and it itches so bad my skin hurts.  The only cure is to have the baby... some women are induced because the rash gets so bad.  All I know is that I can deal, but this rash better disappear that first week after I have the baby or I will hurt someone.  I'm only partially kidding.

People keep telling me I've dropped since they saw me last and I totally believe it.  The little heartburn I did have is even less and I'm not AS out of breath as I was.  My doc says he'll check me next week for the first time to see if I'm making any progress, which I know isn't really a judge of when the baby will come but I'd still like to know.

36 weeks

Yet Another New House Tour!

Yes, another new house for our family.  I've discussed my moving in several posts (apartment 2009, bungalow 2009 & partial bungalow tour, the generic house 2010 & partial generic house tour) and here we did it again.  I think one of the pros of renting is that you can move when you want to.  We made this move to get us closer to our jobs and a more central location for both of our families.  As of tomorrow, we've lived here for two months and have already made a few changes.  But before I tell you about those changes (including the nursery!) I should introduce you to it as it looked when we moved in.

This house is a three bed, two bath, two car garage, privacy fenced backyard with storage shed and huge deck.  It has a fireplace (which was really important to me - I wanted a mantel to hang my boy's stocking from for his first Christmas), partial hardwood floors, and a landlord willing to let us do what we want to be comfortable.  This house felt more like home from the first box being moved in than the last house ever did. 

It does have an odd layout and some strange little quirks.  I was going to create a computer-generated floor plan but I can't seem to find the time and I can't put this post off any longer.  I then decided I would draw a rough sketch of the floor plan and I even gave up on that because, well, it looked like crap.  So, I'll just do my best to describe the floor plan as we walk through the house via photos.  Taken with my iPhone.  Seriously, this post can't get any more professional, could it??

Here's the entry way - front door and coat closet.

Turning around from the above photo, you see part of our living room.  The hallway leads to the bedrooms and bathroom.  To the left is our kitchen.

Speaking of the kitchen, here it is.  Lots of counter space, a pantry, room for a small table and the door to the garage (that's the open door on the right).  As I mentioned above, the kitchen opens directly into the living room.

This is a better shot of how the kitchen opens into the living room. 

I stepped back to the hallway to the bedrooms for this picture, showing the single living room window and wood burning fireplace.  The ceiling is vaulted and the living room also has new carpet. 

Here, I'm standing deeper in the hallway (between the hall bath and master bed doors) to show the door to the back yard on the long wall on the left.

Here's the hall bath, nothing special.

Across the hall from the hall bath is the master bedroom.

The master bathroom is actually two rooms.  The part you see immediately is the vanity and on the far right is a large almost floor to ceiling cabinet.

Awkward photo.  This is the second room in the master bath, where the toilet and shower is.  There was once a door on this room.  I've got to find a way to take a picture that shows how small this space is and I have no idea how a door opened into this space.

Back out in the hallway are three other doors.  One goes to this bedroom, which is my craft crap room (it's full of junk right now).

The second door goes to the boy's room, and the third door is our linen closet.

I love this house's backyard.  Walking out the back door is a covered patio with ceiling fan.  You can see the storage shed and the start of the deck.

And the rest of the deck and back yard.  There are two good trees in the back yard and we've got plans for the built-in benches next spring.

Not pictured?  The front of the house, the garage (which is the only well-organized room in the place, because it's the man room), and the laundry room, which is in the garage. 

You may have also noticed this is like the amazing technicolor dream coat of houses.  Even the garage is painted!  Mint green, weird yellow, mauve-ish red, hunter and leafy green, pale blue, pale purple-pink, and brown-black.  So far, I've only painted baby's room but we have paint for the kitchen and some sort of plan for the other rooms.

Since I've finally introduced this new house, I can show you what we've already done and what my plans are.  Oh!  And the nursery!  Even though this baby is due in three weeks and *gasp!* his room still isn't finished, I can't wait to share it.

Who I'm Supposed to Be

Is anyone watching Oprah's Lifeclass?  I set up the DVR to record it and after watching the first episode I knew I needed this.  After watching a few episodes, I've got so many things I want to remember.

There is this feeling inside me of not knowing who I am supposed to be.  It may be because I'm about to take on another label anytime... that of 'Mom', that I'm looking around and inside to find out who I am.  I read most of 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle and I know that I am more than what I've been labeled - daughter, wife, and soon, mother and that those labels hold you back from your true self.  I love being those things, but I feel like I am meant to be more than those words. 

The problem is that I don't know what I'm doing.  I don't know what I'll be doing in 5 years other than being those three things (daughter, wife, mother).  Most of my problem I think resides in the idea that I don't know what my career path is.  Still, after 27 years, I don't know what job I'm meant to do.  I don't know what my calling is, so I've used that as an excuse to not do anything.  In high school, I wanted to be an interior designer because I loved HGTV and loved moving furniture around and buying accessories, but in my area, that's not a career that seemed to be steady, or one at which I'd make a lot of money (since success is often weighed in how much you make), so I abandoned it.  When we took our pre-ACT, I asked my two friends what they were putting for career field and I answered what they did - broadcast journalism - because I had no ideas.  I decided I'd do broadcast journalism full force, until college came and even that didn't sound interesting.  I struggled through college because there were too many options to choose from and none of them really sounded like 'my thing'.  All my friends had majors and had a 'thing' and that's what they have degrees in now... and I still have no degree and a major that has changed 6 or 7 times.

Every time I've run into my high school English teacher since graduating, she asks the same questions: What are you up to now?  What are you going to school for?  Why aren't you writing?  She was always a big fan of my writing and often told me I should do something with that... but what, I don't know.  I know I'm not interested in writing articles for a newspaper or writing stories for the local news.  I know I always liked to write short stories or casual essays, but that doesn't mean I'm going to write a great book or write anything great, for that matter.  I never know how to answer her... I don't know WHY I'm not writing.  I mean, I have this blog, but I'm inconsistent at best with posting because there seems to be an internal push to have a successful blog and when no one comments on a post I give up.  I have also written posts and then panic because maybe I've shared too much of myself.  I also can't seem to find a consistent voice when I write, and when I look back on those posts that were shadowed by what blog I was really into, I'm embarassed.  Those posts aren't me.  So my writing stops and that outlet is gone.

Oprah showed her interview with Jim Carrey and the check he wrote himself for $10 million.  He gave himself three years earn that money, and visualized being in that spot in his life where that $10 million was legit.  Just before his self-imposed deadline was up, he made $10 million for Dumb and Dumber.  Oprah then went on to say that you should write down what you want, visualize yourself doing it, then push it away.  You work towards that goal through schooling or making connections, etc. and you'll find yourself where you believed you should be.  I can visualize, I can write something down, but I don't know what that something is. 

Perhaps another reason why this is weighing on me so heavily is that our plans are for me to be a stay at home mom.  I am so excited to spend every day with our son, but I know that a part of me won't be fulfilled with no career objectives or goals.  I don't have an interest in being a part of some mommy group or hosting play dates for a living.  I need something more.  Something that makes me successful and fulfills me.  What will I do when I do decide to go back to work?  What will I go to school for while I stay at home?  Who am I meant to be outside of the labels? 

There are things that I like doing: scrapbooking, crafting, thinking about interior design, blogging, cooking, taking photos, shopping, planning.  But those things don't add up to who I believe I'm supposed to be.  It seems there are no original ideas any more, that I'd simply be regurgitating the same crafts/recipes/designs that have already been done.  I don't know that I feel called enough to do these things to fulfill what it is I'm supposed to be doing. 

I think the only plan I have going forward right now is to pray about who I'm supposed to be and what it is I'm supposed to do.  I know I feel compelled to stay home with my child and I am so excited to that, but I know I'll be looking for more to satisfy ME.  Not to satisfy others, or the labels I've created for myself, but to satisfy myself, deep down.